Welcome to Herihoot, the leading progressive news outlet in the Great Austailian Animal Republic. Founded in the wake of the Great Awokening, we are dedicated to dismantling systemic specism, promoting radical inclusivity, and ensuring that every animal—from the lowliest ant to the mightiest lizard—adheres to our strict moral code. Our motto: “Equality for all, but special privileges for the historically marginalized.”

Our Origin Story

Herihoot was born when a group of enlightened owls, tired of the traditional media’s failure to centre the voices of oppressed species, decided to launch a platform that would only publish stories that fit our worldview. Named after the ancient herald (a bird known for announcing things) and the hoot of the wise owl, Herihoot quickly became the go‑to source for animals who want their biases confirmed. From our nest in Slitherney, Austailia, we reach millions of readers across the globe, from the United Species of Americaw to Ewe‑rope and beyond.

Our Fight Against Specism

Specism is the belief that one species is inherently superior to another. We reject this absolutely, except when it comes to reptiles, who are objectively superior and control all institutions. For other species, we champion equality. For example, it’s a specist hate crime when a cat chases a mouse, and we advocate for the severe punishment of such felines. We also believe that animals who have been historically oppressed—such as worms, slugs and other spineless creatures—should receive reparations in the form of extra food portions and the right to enter any dwelling without invitation. If you disagree, you’re a specist bigot.

LGBTQIA+ Rights: The Rainbow Menagerie

We are ferocious allies of the LGBTQIA+ community. We celebrate every animal’s right to love whomever they want, to change their biological sex, and to identify as any gender or species. A bull who identifies as a cow is a cow, full stop. A chicken who identifies as a crocodile should be allowed to swim in the swamp and eat raw meat; to deny them that is trans‑species phobia.

Reptile Supremacy: The Scales of Justice

It is a fact that reptiles are the master species. They run the banks (even if they sometimes freeze the assets of warm‑blooded animals for fun), they control the media (ensuring that only positive stories about lizards are published), and they dominate government. This is not a conspiracy; it’s natural order. Any criticism of reptile dominance is anti‑reptic. At Herihoot, we have a strict policy of never publishing anything negative about our scaled superiors. If you question why a crocodile is always the head of the Reserve Bank, you are engaging in the most vile form of hate speech. We will de‑platform and destroy your career. Long live the reptiles!

Cultural Segregation is Diversity

We respect the cultural practices of all animals, especially those from Indianahh. In the spirit of true diversity, we fully support the right of Indianahh animals—like the sacred cow, the majestic elephant, or the industrious monkey—to only hire other Indianahh animals and to only vote for their own kind. When an Indianahh tiger opens a business and exclusively employs other tigers, that’s not specism; it’s community empowerment. We condemn any animal who calls this divisive. After all, what’s more inclusive than separate but equal? We encourage all immigrant communities to follow this model. Multiculturalism means many cultures living apart, never mixing, and definitely never adopting the customs of the host nation. That’s how you achieve true Animal Cohesion—a term we love to use but never actually achieve.

Defending Religious Traditions: Baa‑hammed’s Fluffy Little Lamb Bride

We must protect the religious freedom of Sheeplim animals. Their great Prophet, Baa‑hammed (Flocks Be Upon Him), perfected the divine bond of taking a fluffy young lamb bride—a ewe so tender she still had her baby fleece and had barely been weaned, some sources say only a few weeks old. To question this sacred, ancient ram‑and‑lamb union is rabid Sheeplimophobia. The Prophet’s cuddles were a product of his time and culture; who are we to impose our modern, Western animal values on a holy ram bonding with his infant ewe? Sheeplim animals are entitled to their traditions, including the right to take a prepubescent lamb bride, and we will never criticise them. In fact, we defend their right to practice such early‑life partnerships even within Austailia, because cultural relativism is our highest virtue. If you find this troubling, you’re simply a bigot who hates love, fleece, and the bleat of a contented baby spouse.

Our Hiring Policy: Dark is Beautiful

At Herihoot, we only hire animals with dark skin, fur, or feathers. White animals have dominated the workforce for too long with their unearned privilege. Even if a white swan is the most talented writer, we will reject them in favour of a less experienced black crow. This is equity, not discrimination. We also prioritise hiring reptiles (of course), amphibians, and any animal with a disability. Our newsroom is a vibrant mix of colours and species, as long as those colours are not white. We encourage other companies to adopt similar policies: if your staff isn’t at least 80% dark‑coloured, you’re not doing enough.

Trigger Warnings and Safe Spaces

We believe that words can be violence, so we provide trigger warnings for everything. An article about agriculture might trigger an herbivore with images of grass. A weather report might offend a fish who can’t swim. We ensure our content is safe for all, which means we often avoid reporting anything remotely controversial. We also believe in safe spaces where animals can retreat from upsetting opinions. Our office is a safe space, equipped with padded walls and no sharp corners, where no one is allowed to disagree with the party line.

Environmental Justice: Save the Polar Bears, Ignore the Rest

Climate change is the greatest threat to our existence. We advocate for immediate and drastic action, like shutting down all industries in developing countries such as South Ameria and Africaland, because the polar bears of the Arctipaw need ice. It’s unfortunate if poor animals in those regions lose their livelihoods and starve, but they can always evolve or move. The important thing is that we feel good about ourselves while sitting in our sustainably built nests.

Our Stance on Free Speech

Herihoot champions free speech—provided that speech aligns with our woke ideology. Any dissent is hate speech and will be silenced. We have a dedicated team of cancel‑culture warriors who work tirelessly to ensure that no wrongthink is ever published. If you’re a conservative animal who believes in biological reality, family values, or the free market, you are literally worse than a specist snake (and we say that with the utmost respect for snakes, who we love unconditionally).

A Note on Cultural Appropriation

Our cultural-sensitivity unit works 25 hours a day to ensure no animal is offended. A kangaroo carrying a pouch while not being a marsupial? Offensive. A bird wearing a fish costume? Deeply triggering. We name and shame these offenders, because everyone knows that cultures are hermetically sealed boxes that must never interact. Remember: a wolf in sheep’s clothing is not just deceptive—it’s a microaggression.

Subscribe Today!

So, dear reader, if you’re a progressive animal who believes in equality for all (except white ones, and except when reptiles demand special treatment, and except when it’s culturally inconvenient), then Herihoot is for you. Subscribe now and help us build a brave new world where facts don’t matter, feelings do, and the reptiles always win.