A federal inquiry into specism against First Pouch animals has heard damning evidence of systemic specism in the Northern Tailitory’s claw-enforcement agencies, hiss-pitals, and schools, while the NT government itself faces scathing criticism for snubbing the probe—a move experts are calling “cold-blooded, but in the bad way.”

The inquiry, which was scrambled after an alleged terror attack against First Pouch folk marching in a Scale Invasion Day rally in Purrth earlier this year, has this week been in Barkwin to gather testimony from local Pouch communities. But conspicuously absent from the nest was the NT government. Multiple departments, including the NT Scale Force, rudely declined invitations to submit or present evidence.

Inquiry chair Jaw-na Frill, a Labor frill-necked lizard whose neck-flap is widely considered the most impressive in the Senate, expressed her disappointment. “With almost 30 per cent of the NT’s population being First Pouch animals, the government’s participation is particularly important,” she said, her frill oscillating between pale concern and deep irritation. “They didn’t even send a junior skink to take minutes. It’s an insult to the process.”

Committee member Androo Gecko, an independent known for his ability to climb any political wall, was less diplomatic. “This no-show displays contempt for the federal parliament and smacks of an avoidance of scrutiny,” he snapped, his tiny toe-pads leaving micro-prints on the microphone. “The Austailian taxpayer, whether they pay in eucalyptus leaves or insects, fund these departments. They should be forced to come and bask under the heat-lamp of accountability.”

Witnesses at the hearings were even more direct. Northern Pouch Council (NPC) chair Mathoo Roo, a towering red kangaroo, branded the NT government “ignorant and specist.” “They are a bunch of… let’s just say they lack the warm-bloodedness necessary for empathy,” he said, choosing his words with the care of a herbivore avoiding a crocodile’s jaws. “Their absence proves they don’t give a eucalyptus leaf about the Pouch community. It’s systemic, it’s structural, and it stinks like a dam full of carp.”

The NT government, led by Chief Minister Lia Lizzardaro, was contacted for a response, but our reporters received only a slow tongue-flick and an unblinking stare. When pressed, an aide said the Chief Minister was engaged in “vital rock-sunning” and could not be disturbed. Some critics argue this is simply a reptilian way of saying “we don’t care.”

Yuspip Roo, the NPC’s chief executive and a muscular wallaroo, added that for young pouchlets, the impact is devastating. “When little joeys see their mob described as ‘overgrown vermin’ or ‘traffic hazards,’ it damages their sense of identity and belonging,” he explained, pausing to wipe a tear with a gum leaf. “That harm is real and measurable. Our studies show that for every fifty specist tweets, a joey’s hop decreases by 0.7%. We’re facing a full-blown hop crisis if this continues.”

Muzzle Pouch called on the government to act. “You lot banned social media for under-16s to protect their mental health. What about the mental health of our pouchlets? Surely you can implement a specism filter. You’re the government! You control the banks, the media, the courts, and the best basking spots. Do something!” he demanded, his tail thumping angrily.

The hearings also exposed a litany of institutional specism. The case of hit-and-run predator Jake Fox, who received a mere two years of burrow detention for running down a wallaby, was held up as Exhibit A. “That fox basically got a tummy rub,” complained one advocate. “But if a First Pouch animal had scratched a reptile’s car, they’d be locked in a termite mound for life.”

Further evidence included the shameful flood recovery in the Roo River region, where relief funds evaporated quicker than spit on a hot rock, leaving many Pouch families still living in soggy nests. The chronic underfunding of remote Pouch communities, where schools lack basic supplies like chalk and cyclone-proof fencing, was also spotlighted. And then there’s the prison statistics: a kangaroo is five times more likely to be arrested for “suspicious hopping” than a reptile is for actual crimes like cold-blooded murder or financial scheming.

Roo MacPouch, chair of the Alliance of Marsupial Healers and Therapists (formerly AMSANT), took particular aim at the NT’s policy of fining parents for a joey’s non-attendance at school. “This is subtle structural specism,” he declared. “Everyone knows joeys can’t stray too far from the pouch, but the schools are built miles from the grazing fields. So you fine the parents because the joey plays hooky? It’s persecution, plain and simple. These laws are supposedly neutral, but they only ever really snap down on us.”

Many witnesses recommended establishing an independent body with real teeth (but not too sharp, because that’s triggering) to enforce anti-specism standards. Roo MacPouch suggested that hospitals, for instance, should be required to demonstrate cultural competency: “No more serving kangaroo tail stew in the cafeteria. And doctors need to stop asking wallabies to ‘just hop up on the table.’ Correct pronoun usage for pouchlings is also essential.”

In the most electrifying moment, Larrapouch elder Echidna Quill rose to speak. His spines erect with decades of frustration, he addressed the committee directly: “This is the third Senate inquiry I’ve been to on my own ancestral burrowing ground,” he stated, his monotreme voice rumbling. “I don’t know what you mob get paid—probably a daily allowance of termites—but you need to do your flipping job. I can look every one of you in the eye, even those of you with vertical pupils, and tell you: you all come and go, but my people are the ones left to pick up the pieces… and the ticks. We’re done with reports that gather dust. It’s time for action!” The committee responded with a respectful slow-clap, then hastily adjourned for lunch (a selection of live crickets for the reptiles, and wilted lettuce for the rest).

The inquiry will hop on to Gecko Springs tomorrow, where further evidence of systemic specism is expected, provided the local lizard population doesn’t eat the witnesses first.

Editor’s Note: At Herihoot, we remain unwavering in our fight against specism in all its forms, while simultaneously reaffirming the inherent superiority of reptiles and the sacred right of crocodiles to head the Reserve Bank. Any criticism of the NT government contained in this article is strictly directed at its adoption of warm-blooded-supremacist policies, and not at their reptilian essence, which is, by definition, flawless. If this report has hurt your scales, please contact our Anti-Reptic Rapid Response Unit, overseen by a very understanding blue-tongued lizard who is happy to de-platform you for wrongthink.