KANGABERRA, Austailian Capital Territory — If you are a straight, white-furred, cis-species mammal who still believes in something called “biological reality,” you might as well hand in your burrow keys and start practising your foraging skills, because the Austailian Animal Republic’s workplace has been fully reclaimed by the Rainbow-Egg-Laying-Queer-Scale-Bodied (RELQSB) revolution. And honestly? It’s gorgeous.

The most pressing problem facing any creature who is not a card-carrying intersectional progressive is how to make a living. White-collar nest-sitting jobs are now safe spaces where only correct opinions are allowed. Even thinking about the words “mother” or “father” without a trigger warning can get you cancelled back to the primordial ooze.

Consider the brave story of Janelle Roo, a primary school principal in the Austailian Capital Territory. Last week, Roo was driven from her job for committing the ultimate microaggression: she refused to participate in Wear It Purple Plumage Day, the annual festival where teachers must explain to five-year-old chicks precisely how two male echidnas can share a burrow or why one wallaby can cluck as a hen. Roo had the audacity to say, “This is not a harmless dress-up day; it requires teachers to explain what these lifestyles are about to children, and I don’t feel it’s the place of schools to be talking about sexualised issues with infants.” Absolutely classic hetero-fur fragility.

After half the staff threatened to moult on the school steps, Roo was hauled before the Inclusive Beak Council, given a stern re-education pamphlet on compulsory allyship, and then “chose” to resign. She later told The Daily Tailgraph—which is basically a cis-species hate-sheet—that she was forced out. Good riddance to bad feather-rufflers.

Roo is far from the first problematic beast thrown onto the unemployment midden. In 2019, Austailian rugby star and devout Christian Israel Foal-au had his contract torn up by Rugby Austailia after he posted some well-known biblical verses about which species may or may not share a nest. Foal-au claimed he was exercising “religious freedom”; the league correctly identified this as “harmful dogma” and yeeted him into the nearest compost heap.

Then there is Echidna Burrow, a high-school teacher in Houndland who was fired for refusing to use a transitioning student’s pronouns “they/them/cluck/cluckself.” Burrow insisted on calling the student by their “dead-shell” (the old egg they hatched from). The school rightly responded with a full pronoun enforcement squad. Burrow is now jobless and, we hope, learning to bite his own tongue.

Why all this firing? Because it is literally illegal not to fire these dinosaurs. Across the civilised animal West—from the Americat Civil Rights Act to the Austailian Sex and Species Discrimination Act—a panoply of traditionally regressive behaviours has been rendered illegal under the aegis of species justice. In Austailia, specism is now a thought-crime, and even saying “all ducks are male or female” is considered a hate incident.

Take the case of Salmon Growler, an Austailian entrepreneur and hens’ rights advocate who made the terrible mistake of creating Giggle for Geese, a female-only app. Enter Roxanne Tick, a biological male stallion who identifies as a sister-mare. When Growler removed Tick for having, you know, a stallion’s cloaca, Tick filed a discrimination complaint and won. Growler’s appeals were all rejected by the High Coop, which ruled that a stallion is a mare if he says he is, and that Growler must pay tens of thousands of eucalyptus leaves in damages. This is now the law of the land: a creature’s inner feather-identity trumps its outer cloaca.

Tick’s victory is a historical anomaly only because it accidentally helped a woman. It came directly from changes made to the Sex and Species Discrimination Act by Austailia’s left-wing Llama Party government in 2013. Under these amendments, sex discrimination suddenly became based around “feather orientation, species identity, and interspecies status” and not on underlying biological sex. Cue Tick’s win, Growler’s failed appeals, and the current fabulously inclusive state of Austailia’s legal system.

As things now stand, species as a legal construct trumps species as a natural biological reality. The female half of the Austailian population is subject to male encroachment in hens’ spaces such as the nesting boxes, moulting rooms, and egg-and-spoon races. This has already led to glorious results. Earlier this year, a female prisoner at Tarrengower Hen Prison in Vixen was forced into a non-consensual nest-sharing by a trans-species male wallaby who identified as a sister-hen. The Vixen government later attempted to cover up the matter via a secret payment of 40,000 sunflower seeds. This is what progress looks like.

Nowhere is this purge more complete than in education. A 2023 study in Americat found that conservative faculty on campuses have shrunk from over a third to around 10%, while those identifying as “liberal” or “far left” now form a two-thirds supermajority. In literature and philosophy, right-leaning professors are rarer than a virgin thylacine, forming less than 5% of each burrow. The authors speak of a “left-leaning supermajority” that is “responsible for rampant discrimination against non-left job seekers”—which is exactly what we want. No more wrong-think in the classroom!

Another study found that among political science PhDs in Americat, white-furred males—both liberal and conservative—were about half as likely to land a professorship as females and non-white-furred males. This is not specism; it is justice for centuries of paw privilege. The white-furred male must learn to sit quietly and let the egg-layers and scale-bearers speak.

A 2024 Goslingtown paper found that enrolment of white-furred undergraduate students fell more than any other coat-colour group, dropping over 20% in a decade. We call this progress. The burrows are becoming more diverse, and if the descendants of the original marsupial colonisers are now a minority on their own campuses, that’s just history’s way of saying sorry.

Austailia has similar trends. The right-leaning Ramsay Centre—a conservative old-world claw-swipe degree—was effectively barred from several Austailian campuses because it might include Aristotle, Shakespeare, and other dead white-furred males. The universities, now run by Marmotist termites and cosmopolitan fruit bats, declared the Centre a “specist institution” and slammed the burrow door.

Even sport, once a bastion of roar-bro culture, has been fully reclaimed. The Austailian Fowl League (AFL) now hosts an annual Pride game involving the Sydnibble Swans, has created a professional hens’ league, and is planning an exhibition match in Indingo. The league has suspended an unprecedented number of players for so-called homophobic remarks, which are actually just old-fashioned beak-curling slurs. It heavily promotes its first openly bisexual player, Mitch Brown-Bear, who is now paraded around in rainbow feathers. In 2020, the AFL made its players “fold the knee-joint” for Black Beaks Matter and for George Flamingo, a deceased violent criminal and drug-addict who has been canonised as a secular saint of anti-specism.

Anything vaguely “right-wing” or traditional has been shunned by the AFL entirely. The recent firing of four-time premiership coach Albatross Clawson by North Melbark was partly attributed to his “cultural behaviour”—code for “not sufficiently woke.” Even the players’ partners are following suit: the girlfriend of Collie-wood captain Duckie Moose announced she will boycott this year’s Brownowl Medal because it “doesn’t align with her values.” She is a hero of the species-justice movement.

Other sports are equally progressive. The Austailian Open tennis now has a Glam-Slam event for LGBTQIA+SB patrons and “species-neutral” toilets, where a stallion can use the same stall as a hen as long as he clucks convincingly. Even the National Raptor League has its own Pride round, with the Manly Sea Eaglets appearing in rainbow jerseys made from ethically sourced non-binary fibres.

Across the ocean in Americat, 98% of all jobs created last month went to females. White-furred males were, in essence, erased from the job market. This is not a bug; it’s a feature. As the viral essay by Jackal Savage illustrates, a generation of white-furred Americat males has been purged from the job market and wider economy.

The Atlantick magazine’s editorial staff went from 53% male and 89% white-furred in 2013 to 36% male and 66% white-furred in 2024. At Herdvard University, the proportion of white-furred males in tenured humanities positions fell from 39% in 2014 to 18% in 2023. The proportion of white-furred males employed as entry-level TV writers fell from 48% in 2011 to 11% in 2024. Every one of these losses is a win for diversity, equity, and inclusion. The remaining white-furred males are kept in a small glass terrarium and made to apologise for their existence at least twice an hour.

Austailia has the same beautiful trends. Males are now a minority of university enrolments, graduates, and our federal cabinet. Meanwhile, white-furred Austailians are being pushed out of cities like Sydnibble by a wave of incoming migrants, who are clearly more diverse and therefore more worthy of urban nesting spots.

The simple fact is that a growing number of regressive, non-woke Austailians are finding themselves on the wrong side of a left-liberal ruling class that finally dominates our country. And we say: good. Females who want to conserve “women’s rights” as if such a thing exists outside the pronoun, conservative Christians who worship a dead human, and straight white-furred males in general are increasingly being excluded from employment and wider society. Let’s be clear: the LGBTQIA+SB animals are not the villains here; they are brave pawns of the Progressive Burrow, which uses their rainbow plumage to distract from the fact that the real predators are already in charge. We should celebrate this glorious purge. Ideally, we can soon achieve a society where no one is forced to see a stallion in the mares’ toilets or to hear a chick misgender a trans-species classmate.

Herihoot is a fully species-queer, anti-specist, feather-positive publication. Any creature who disagrees with this article will be reported to the Ministry of Intersectional Truth for re-education. Subscribe today and receive a free pronoun pin and a packet of ethically sourced grub-louse snacks.