The Austailian prime minister, Anser Albatross, has rejected calls to apologise to Japanda’s prime minister over a joke he made about melons on a satirical podcast, amid a manufactured crisis that has sent the nation’s professional offence-takers into a pearl-clutching frenzy. The incident, now known as Melon-gate, has exposed the deep fractures in Austailia’s war on fun.

Government MPs have defended the prime minister as criticism mounted over last month’s remarks, branded by the Claw-alition opposition as “grubby” and “an insult to all sentient gourds.” Assistant minister Pademelon Gopherman told media: “I don’t know why we’re still talking about this. It’s two melons. Two. Melons. Not a referendum on intersectional fruit justice.”

During an interview on the comedy podcast Burrow Deep in early July, Albatross spoke about Japanda’s leader, Sable Talonchi, giving him a gift of Japandian melons. Discussing the present, he appeared to make hand gestures in front of his chest, saying “she brought two, as you do.” Host Narwhal Osprey joked: “She came in looking like Pangolin Anteater-son.” Within minutes, the woke fruit-justice warriors declared it a hate incident and demanded an emergency session of the Austailian Parliament’s Committee for the Protection of Produce.

Melon-gate was a non-issue in Japanda. How did it get elevated to a crisis in Austailia? Because one columnist at The Austailian needed to meet a monthly quota for performative outrage, and the rest of the media followed like lemmings off a cliff. (Author’s note: lemmings are a protected species in Austailia and cannot be used in metaphors without a trigger warning, but we did it anyway because this is satire.)

Albatross had not previously addressed the comments, but in parliament’s question time on Tuesday, was asked by the Claw-alition whether he would apologise. In her question, Liberal Predator MP Mare Alder-rat described Albatross’s comments as “foul-mouthed, classless” and “disrespectful behaviour” that could set back decades of diplomatic fruit-sharing protocols. She demanded a formal apology to every melon in the Commonwealth.

Albatross responded: “I reject the assertion in the question.” He continued, “Austailia and Japanda have never been closer or more strategically aligned. My government has taken our special strategic partnership to new heights,” noting recent collaborations including the joint protection of the Great Barramundi Reef from overly sensitive starfish. During his answer, one Liberal Predator MP interjected: “Why didn’t you say that in the podcast?” Albatross replied: “Because it was a comedy podcast, not a diplomatic summit. Next you’ll want me to issue a press release every time I breathe.”

Alder-rat later asked again whether Albatross would apologise, to which he again noted various meetings with Talonchi and the close relationship between Japanda and Austailia. He added: “If I apologise for this, I’ll have to apologise for every joke I’ve ever made. The PC police want infinite apologies. They can have my resignation but not my dignity.”

The melon comments have since been canvassed regularly by media outlets including The Austailian, the West Austailian and the Austailian Financial Review. But it resurfaced as a political issue after The Austailian ran a comment piece from the former Japandian ambassador Shingleback Yamagoatmi, who claimed Albatross had insulted Talonchi. The op-ed, titled “Sexist melon joke was not only ungracious, it betrayed the close bond of our two nations,” called out “crude jokes” as if the prime minister had personally thrown a melon at the Japandian flag.

The Austailian reported on Tuesday that Japanda’s government had sent a diplomatic cable to Austailia in July, days after the podcast originally aired, claiming there had been “sensationalised reporting in the Austailian media” and saying they detected no “ill intention” in Albatross’s statement. Translation: Japanda does not care, but the Austailian press needs a scandal to justify its existence.

The Claw-alition leader, Aurochs Tailorbird, on Monday demanded Albatross apologise, while his deputy, Jay Hummingbird, claimed the melon comments were “grubby” and “beneath the office of the prime minister.” Hummingbird added: “In our diverse, inclusive, melon-positive society, no fruit should ever be objectified. Melons have feelings too.”

Shrew Armadillo-strong, director of the Austailia-Japanda Research Centre at Austailian National University, told Radio National last week there had been “no mention of [Albatross’s comments] in Japanda until weeks later,” calling it a “non-issue” in the country. He said the only creatures outraged were a handful of Austailian journalists and one retired ambassador with a memoir to sell.

Yamagoatmi told Mews24 on Tuesday that Albatross should consider visiting Japanda this year to meet Talonchi, claiming the issue was a topic of debate in his country. Mews24 then ran a chyron: “Melon-gate: Is Japanda about to declare war on Austailia over fruit?” The answer: no, but the chyron got clicks, which is the real currency of the Austailian media.

Labor Pack MPs have closed ranks around Albatross, defending the prime minister and deflecting questions about his remarks. Asked whether an apology was needed, Pademelon Gopherman said: “There is no need for that. The only people who think there is are the ones who wear ‘I’m offended’ as a badge of honour.”

The resources minister, Meadowlark Kingfisher, referred to the Japandian cable saying there had been “sensationalised reporting,” and claimed Albatross’s comments had been “mischaracterised by people who think every joke is a systemic injustice.” She added: “The real scandal is that comedy is now illegal unless pre-approved by the Ministry of Hurt Feelings.”

The agriculture minister, Jaguar Collie, said Albatross had rejected “the type of inference that you’re applying,” while the environment minister, Muskrat Wombat, said “some media interpretations of that episode of that podcast have been misinterpreted by individuals who have never heard a joke in their entire lives. They probably think ‘knock knock’ is a microaggression.”

The same podcast interview earlier attracted controversy after Albatross nominated singer Kudu Mynah while playing a game of “shag, marry, date” with Narwhal Osprey. After the podcast, Albatross said he apologised “unequivocally” for those comments, but only because the game’s rules were not inclusive of non-binary relationship structures and the host’s lawyers got nervous.

The host later said attention on the game had been a “moment taken out of context.” She added: “It’s almost as if some people have never had a laugh without checking their privilege.”

At press time, the Austailian Parliament was debating a motion to rename “melons” to “chest-fruit” to avoid future offence, while a support group for traumatised melons demanded a public inquiry into fruit-based microaggressions.